.....

The clouds, they tell a story,
better than that in any book.
The clouds, they tell a story,
if you only care to look.

Every day I leave the house
And the first thought that comes to mind
Is 'what will the stories be today?
What wonders will I find?'

A tale of a princess locked away?
Or of a relationship gone awry?
A hero, set to become king
Or tragedy, a lover's cry?

Yes, everything and anything
is written in that summer sky
Fantasy, fiction, mystery
How quickly the time goes bye

Yes, the clouds, they tell a story
better than that in any book.
The clouds, they tell a story,
if you only care to look

If you only learn to read the skies
Let your imagination soar
You'll open yourself to
A world you never knew before

A world of creativity
The clouds just plant the seed
There's no story ever the same
If you only learn to read
The language of the clouds



I'm thinking about reworking the ending. Though the whole thing is really stupid and bad and random anyway. I'm not a poet.

I've never been particularly fond of my name. It's so horribly bland, and even more boring. What does that say about me? Am I a boring person, given a boring name, for a boring reason, to fit a boring personality? I'd like to think not.

When my mom was pregnant, she and my father decided that if I was a girl, my dad would name me Jennifer, a name he had always loved. Jennifer, and Jillian – The name of an older sister I met two or three times. Simply because he liked the name. It means “Fair phantom”, which is fitting, I suppose. My complexion is indeed fair, you'd be hard pressed to find someone paler. As for phantom... that suits me too. I'm practically invisible, seen only by those to whom I make myself known, or who choose to see those unseen.

Apparently the original welsh version of my name was Gwynhwyfar. It's far more interesting, although not as pretty when written. Of ourse a writer would care about that. Seeing words on paper is an art to someone like me, words with letters that are so harsh destroy the beauty of my creations.

No, I don't think I'd like the name Gwynhwyfar. Two names are enough – Jennifer, and Anya. Anya, my pen name. The diminutive of Anastasia. Resurrection. And does this suit me? I believe it does. This century is not the one I belong in, having been resurrected, a dead soul pulled away from the memories of a different world. Perhaps once upon a time, I was a queen. A queen of writers, of fiction, of phantoms, the sprites that push a constant river of creative thought.

But should a name be a deciding factor? Did Juliet not remark that a rose by any other name would smell still smell so sweet? If this is so, perhaps it is not true. Far too often have I seen that people with the same name have similar tendencies. So for now, I am Jennifer, and Jennifer I shall remain. It is a name that was chosen for me, the name I was meant to have. It is me, just as much as I am Anya. A name, a title, a definition.

So yeah. Y'know those weird sort of half dreams that you get when you're only partially awake? Like, they make you think you might be awake but you KNOW you're still sleeping? I had one of those this morning...It wasn't pleasant to say the least.

In it I was on the computer, checking my email. There was one from Rob, which startled me, but I read it anyway. In it he said that he missed me and wanted to start talking again. I responded, saying he was the one that stopped talking to ME, but that I missed him too. He said we wouldn't be able to really talk until after school ended, because he didn't want Nargish to find out and get upset. He said he was going to leave her then, because she was moving to Bangladesh. I asked why that meant he was suddenly so interested in talking to me again, and he said that he was planning on going to school in PA, a few hours from where I am in NY. He figured it'd be nice to be able to visit some friends near by once in a while, and because he missed me, but he'd feel guilty even talking to me while he was with Nargish. I mentioned Jared to him, and he said he was happy for me, but seemed disappointed, as though he still had hope for us getting back together again. Then I woke up...feeling disappointed when I realised it hadn't been real. The worst part is that I know even Dream-Rob that I was talking to really only had intentions to use me and fuck me up even more emotionally. But still...

I guess what triggered it is that a guy I know was questioning me about my relationship with Jared, yesterday. He also asked me to explain to him what had happened with Rob. I mean, I'd been thinking about him once in a while, most recently was last week when I realised we hadn't spoken in six months now, but I thought I was pretty much over him. At least to a point that I wouldn't be having dreams like that, or getting so bothered by them. But it definitely ruined my day, and now every little thing, every song I listen to, everything and anything you can think of...It's reminding me of him. I know it's silly, but this is just killing me. I don't like being like this, not over a guy who doesn't, and probably never did ,want me. It's been six months since the break up and all that drama, I should be a bit more OK by now I would have thought. Whenever I get like this again, it confuses me. A lot. Because it makes me unsure of how I feel about him by this point.

It also makes me wonder if I have a problem, mistaking every little feeling for love. I know I have a tendency to have feelings for anyone who shows me attention, even if they severely hurt me. I become EXTREMELY attached to people, even if I'm not with them, even if they have no interest in me, even if -I'm- with someone else. Looking at some of the past few guys I've liked...One fucked me up emotionally and destroyed my ability to completely trust people, one was a complete jerk for the first few months that I knew him, one lead me on and only recently got it through his head that I can't be his little e-slut anymore - He's stopped talking to me most of the time now, and one used to be a complete jerk all the time even though we were best friends. I haven't had great experiences with guys, to say the least. So far, Jared hasn't done anything to severely hurt me, but it makes me scared that he will, even if it's unintentional. Am I just inevitably attracted to guys that will end up hurting me? But I know that's probably just a silly fear because there have been so few men I've known that haven't had a major negative impact on my life.

As for my becoming so attached... Am I really that desperate to be loved that I force myself to think I love others? People don't show me much attention, especially IRL. Some people who are in four or so of my classes this year still don't know my name. I'm practically invisible, though I don't -try- to be that way. Even my parents don't pay that much attention to me, and I don't really know what it's like to be loved. Is that why I seem to jump into online relationships - even when they're unreturned feelings - so quickly? I mean, I'm happy with Jared. I really am. I know a lot of people, even here, don't approve of the whole online thing. Most of my family doesn't. But I guess thinking about it I just find it interesting that I've had so many cases of jumping into things and getting myself in trouble just because I need the attention so badly that I can't say no to anyone. I know some of you know of the case with another illemonatus that has led to the person in question hating me (as far as I know), because I was so intent on blaming the whole situation on them...but perhaps we were just in such similar situations, in regards to a need for attention and emotion?

I don't even know what I'm getting at now, and I didn't intend for this to be so long. Forgive me, I'll just cut it short now. I'm assuming not many people will read the whole thing anyway. :P I'm not even sure this is the best thread for it, but I couldn't think of where else it could go. I guess I'm just confused about a lot of things right now.

... And I still wish I could figure out what my feelings are in relation to Rob, even if he doesn't give a damn if I'm alive or dead at this point. :P

AIM bots make me laugh.


That is all.

...-sigh-


Y'know, it's really quite strange...going from being the happiest person in the world, in love with a wonderful guy, to being left completely alone, heartbroken, and miserable.

I had them ban me from the forums. I'm trying to detach myself from the illemonati, since I know there's a good portion that don't really like me anymore, and are sick of my emoness.

But now that I don't have forums, I'm gonna go crazy from boredom. afmhsdjgjfsd i need pace. D:

So I've been bored and taking these so this post has a ton of them. k? k.









<- o_O


KIRSTEN IS LEAVING ADAM FOR ROB?!?!?!?


<- That sounds pretty damn good.








THAT WOULD PWN SO HARD


Interesting....


o_O


...I wonder what Neil is teaching, and why the hell his sister took my virginity.


Rob gets to be a woman? Hot.


I would have audible'd hard if Smythe had been Smith.


Ok that's enough for now. I'm so bored.

There's gonna be an eclipse tonight. Totality starts just as the moon rises here. I can't wait.



Also, I'm sick. I've been puking my guts out since last night. Not fun. x_X


On a happier note...Pace gave me his cell number incase I ever really need to reach him or want to talk to him. I really think things might start getting better for us. Except for the whole HE MIGHT BE JOINING THE MILITARY. I'm not TOO worried...AU isn't really that involved with most of why I'm afraid of people joining the military. And he doesn't WANT to. It's just, his mother is pressuring him.. I think if he knows how much it scares me he won't do it. Even if doesn't say so, I know he loves me. It's pretty obvious by this point. Everyone else thinks it's been obvious from the beginning of our friendship, haha. <3him.

It’s hard to believe that a year can go by so quickly.


March Fifth, 2006 was probably the worst day of my life, and I know it’s something I’ll never forget. I’m hoping that eventually the memories will fade away, but now, almost a year later, they’re still as clear as can be.

At the time Christopher Fogg was living with us, and for the past seven months or so he had been a huge part of all of our lives. It was hard at times having him around, because he could do nothing for himself. Being in a wheelchair with minimal use of his hands, he often felt he was a burden on us. And maybe in some ways he was, but I’d do anything to have that burden back.

A week prior, he had gotten extremely sick with the flu. After being rushed to the hospital, he was there for almost a week. No matter what the doctors did, he wasn’t retaining any of the vital nutrients his body needed, something that wasn’t surprising to our family. He had always been very thin, and truly was malnourished. He had never had anyone to properly take care of him after his brother died a few years before. Not until he found us.

The week he was in the hospital was extremely stressful. We were all worried that things would take a turn for the worse. Part of me wanted to go see him, but I was still in a phase of trying to deny that I cared about him, not to mention my huge fear of hospitals. Besides that, in the back of my mind, I didn’t believe he’d die or anything while in the hospital. Keyword while in the hospital.

March fourth, I believe, was the day he returned from the hospital. He was on all sorts of medications, and the pharmacists didn’t even send him home with everything. All of us were extremely relieved to have him home. That night I watched RENT with him, and later I was up sitting with him doing my homework. I remember I got annoyed while doing it, and said something along the lines of “Augh. I’m going back downstairs. Goodbye.�

Those were the last words I ever said to him.

That night I had a horrible dream. In it, I had gone upstairs to get a drink. Mom was making coffee, and I walked into the bedroom to say good morning to Chris. But that never really got to happen, because when I walked in, I realized something wasn’t right. He was flopped over in his chair, and not breathing. Mom walked in moments later and screamed. The rest of the dream is now a blur to me, but I know that it was identical to the next morning, down to the name and face of the paramedics and sheriff.

Ten AM March fifth I was online talking to a friend of mine when the ambulance pulled into the driveway. I ran upstairs and found my mother standing at the top crying, saying “He’s not breathing.� I hurried back downstairs to get dressed, then came back upstairs. I think I already knew that he was dead, though it wasn’t announced until an hour later. I think when I woke up that morning it’d be the last time anyone would see Chris alive. That dream had been too realistic. I can still remember the look in his lifeless eyes as the paramedics took him out on that stretcher… I don’t think I’ll ever forget it.

I didn’t stop crying at all that day. The next day at school wasn’t any easier, nor the days following. And now, even a year later, it’s still just as hard to think of it. The only comfort I have is that I know we made the last months of his life happy. I had never told him how much I cared about him, or ever really given him hugs or anything…but I believe that he knew. Over time I had started talking to him more, and spending more time with him. He united our family, and after his death everything split again.

As hard as everything still is, I know I could be worse. For the next five months I was a total wreck. By June I had started going to a therapist again, which helped a little. But in the long run, it was the Illemonati that helped me keep what little mental strength I have left. And even more than that, there’s one particular person that has helped me most. I don’t think he believes he’s helped me as much as I claim, but he has. And now I’m very much in love with him, and feel like I owe him a lot. I used to try and kill myself at least once a month. After meeting him, that’s decreased by a long shot. I’ve become a lot happier, and he’s made it easier for me to learn to accept myself, and not feel as if there was anything I could have done about Chris’s death.

If it wasn’t for this person, I know that even the illemonati wouldn’t be able to help me as much as I need it. He’s saved me, as much as he refuses to believe it. And I just hope that someday I’ll be able to give him all the love and attention and hugs that I never gave to Chris.

Rest in Peace, Chris. I miss you, more than anything I wish I could have you back. You’re the most amazing person I’ve ever known…And Pace is the only one who has ever come close to being as amazing as you. You changed my life, just as Pace has. And who knows…if not for you, I might not have ever given him the time of day.

I can't do this anymore.


I'm going to disappear.


For a long time.


If I succeed in leaving, I won't be back. Ever.

Bye.

I don't know what to do anymore. I've tried to stop it. But I can't. I'm too weak and vulnerable. I'm to desperate to make others happy, even if in the end I'm sort of betraying the one I love. I promised Pace I wouldn't let it continue. The next day I let it happen again, hell, i was on the verge of begging for it.

I've turned into his whore, in a way. He doesn't love me. Cares about me maybe, but not love. He always used to warn me about these kinds of situations. Why isn't it surprising that he's the one that got me into it? As much as I want to say that it's hurting me, I'm not sure it is. I /like/ this. For a little while each day he makes me feel as though I'm important, wanted, sexy, beautiful, loved, etc. I /want/ to be his..slave, I guess you could say.

I'm lucky it's all internet stuff. Because with the way things are, the distance between us is probably the only thing stopping me from letting it get physical. It's all words on a screen for now. But I know I can't let it go on. He's too old for me, and I know that. I also know that even though i care about him a lot, and could say I love him: He's. Not. Pace.

I realise that I can never actually be with Pace unless I suddenly have a ton of money and get older. But even if that happens, I doubt he'd have interest still by then. I want him so much, and i owe him so much. So why can't I just end this other...thing?

i'll never be good enough for anything or anyone. i'll never be smart or talented or thin or pretty enough. no one will ever love me.so why should i bother anymore? please dont respond to this saying that you love me because none of you /know/ me. and i mean in a more romantic sense. i want to die.

1. Ryan O'mara - I know he'll shoot me for using his real name, but oh well. Even if he can be creepy at times, he's become a huge part of my life in the past few months. I love you, Ry.

2. Robert Swanger - Yeah, I know. Another person. Who cares. I love this kid so much. He's one of my best friends, and I can always count on him for hugs <3

3. Rain - <3 rain. It's so pretty. Not really important to my life or anything, but pretty none the less. Lol, I'm so lame. I wanna be kissed in the rain. -overly cliche/romantic-

4. {w}riting - Shhhhh not an 'r' >_> I don't know what I'd do without my {weak} ability to write. It's such a good way to release my feelings and get messages across to people. Writing has given me a way to save myself a few times, so.

5. Roses - Heh, one of my favorite flowers. The other is tiger lily, followed by normal lilies. They're so pretty and delicate <3

6. Realistic Fiction - One of my favorite styles of books and writing, that I tend to be rather good at.

7. Rocky Horror Picture Show - Need I say more?

8. RENT - FIVE HUNDRED TWENTY FIVE THOUSAND SIX HUNDRED MINUTES!

9 Rubberbands - What. They're fun. .-. And good for stress relief.

10. ...fuck, iunno. so i'm stopping at 9. even though they're all lame.

[22:05:37] Tell him he fails at everything and that no one will ever love him.
[22:05:46] But that would be wrong.
[22:05:53] Because /I/ love him
[22:05:58] Yeah, but he doesn't care.

I had this window open, but now I Can't remember why I was gonna update LJ.

A friend of mine basically reminded me today that I'll never be anything to Pace. And I've been thinking of that since then. Now I can't help but wonder...why do I do this to myself?


I love Josh more than anything in the world. I really do. But then comes the largest part of the problem...he's on the other SIDE of the world. I can never be with him. I can never spend time with him, even just as friends. I guess I clearly can't know him that well, then, but what I do know of him, of his personality, I've fallen in love with. Talking to him makes me so incredibly happy...But I know it can't last.

I know one of these days he'll IM me and announce that he has a girlfriend in Australia...or elsewhere. I can't even begin to imagine what that will do to me. Of course I'll fake being happy for him. What else could you expect me to do? Tell him the truth? Tell him that I have to now disappear from his life, because I know from then on every time I think of him it will be a stab to my heart? I'm an extremely possessive person, it's one of my major faults. Every time I think of him with someone else, I get incredibly jealous. Every time I see him flirt with other people on IRC and stuff...it kills me. But I try not to say anything. I know it's not my place to. It's not like I'm anything to him. I'm just a random internet friend who happens to be completely obsessed with him.

Even if he did like me half as much as I like him, it'd still never happen. Even if he cared about me, we could never be anything. It's not like I could ever get to Australia,and it's not like he'd pay that kind of money to come to New York. I'm not worth it. And clearly the thought of a relationship with someone three years younger than him bothers him. And I'm sure there are local girls far better for him than I could ever be.

So keeping this in mind, why do I do this to myself? I know in the end it will kill me. He's like a drug. I take advantage of the good things that come out of it, I become addicted. He's become my world. Every little thing reminds me of him. But I know as soon as he has someone else, I'll have to end it all. So why don't I cut it off now? Why don't I make it easier on my heart?

Because I'm foolish. I have this small shred of hope that someday it could work out...because he's never said otherwise. He's never destroyed that hope. If he does, then maybe I'll be able to bring it to a close. Or maybe I'll be able to force myself to 'get over him'. Like I did with Sam. Even though I still love Sam, he doesn't know that. He thinks I'm over him, and that all I want is friendship.

But that might not work. Online I'm more open, and tend to spill emotions more. That's the whole reason Pace knows of my feelings for him to begin with. I wonder how different things would be if he didn't. But I guess it doesn't matter. Because as I said, either way, he'll find someone he loves. He'll find someone that makes him happy. And then I'll be nothing. He won't even remember me, I'm sure. Why would he?

i need pace

This is the first update in a while, isn't it? Sigh.I don't really know what to say. Except that I'm still in love with Pace, and completely miserable. I want to die. I want off the antidepressants. I want to be someone who I'm not. I'm planning on going on a diet or something to lose weight. I want to lose at least 60lbs....but 70 would be even better.


I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm suddenly obsessed with losing weight, and I'm worried I'll go overboard. I'm worried I'll go anorexic or something, lord knows I already skip enough meals as it is. And that's just cause I'm not hungry. I have this stupid idea in my mind that maybe if I weigh so much less, i'd be pretty and liked and stupid stuff like that. I know none of that is true, but I can't get that mindset out.


I've become desperate for affection and attention, I really have. The past few weeks I've been saying and doing things I probably shouldn't be, just for attention. I'm such an attention whore. And whore in general. I need someone badly. Someone to hold me and kiss me and show that they /care/...even if they really don't.

I'm failing a few classes already. I can't seem to bring the grades up. I can't do this. I'm not gonna pass highschool. I know i'm not. I'm gonna fail. I'm not gonna graduate. I'll never get anywhere in life. And...yeah. Sigh. I need Pace. I wish he loved me. .-.

Do you know that I still love you?
Do you know you're still everything to me?
I told you long ago that I would never stop
I've always been one to hold true to my word

Do you know how much you mean to me?
Even after everything you've done
Even after everything you've said
I know I'd still die if I lost you

Every single day
You drive me utterly insane
And I know there's no solution
Except for pushing you away

How can I still love you?
After all you've put me through?
Either way, you don't love me
And you never will

I'm sure you think that I can't care anymore
After all, I'm in love with /him/
After all, I'm obsessed with /him/
But that isn't the case

If it wasn't for him
It'd only be you
If it wasn't for him
I'd have given up on love long ago

But somehow he gives me hope
And it keeps me hanging on
To what love I've always had for you
And what love I have for him now, too

Everything is so confusing
I'm at a loss for what to say
Because I know if I tell you the truth
You'll just turn me away